As of late, I am not well. Those who follow me, know that I have bipolar disorder. It’s been under control for the most part to the point I sometimes almost forget I have a mental illness.
Today, and in the last two weeks, I am well aware of the fact I have a mental illness (at least I can recognize it now so that’s a win I guess) and in my other blog Mental Break – In Progress, I wrote a post about what mania is like as I have been suffering from it lately and I explain why.
For anyone who cares to read up on that I will leave a link to the post below –
Mania In The Moment
I wanted to write about it while I was in the middle of an episode so that anyone who has bipolar disorder might take comfort in relating or if someone is unsure of their mental state perhaps what I wrote will give them a light bulb moment or even still someone who has a loved one with the disorder can better understand what it’s like.
My current mental state? The high of mania is coming down. I’m tired, moderately depressed but mainly tired.
During times like this, I find it hard to connect with God. It’s discouraging. I feel like a hypocrite in some ways to be writing a blog about my walk with God when I can’t always stay on track or live up to the things I write about.
I have never liked using my mental illness as an excuse for anything. I try hard not to let bipolar disorder define me but today, I need hall pass.
When I have bipolar episodes, I can’t sleep or I sleep too much. I feel irritable. I read people all wrong and start to become paranoid that they are upset with me.
I feel out of touch with my faith. I can’t keep up with my writing. I get all these grand ideas and goals, start them and never…ever complete them.
I feel like all talk and no action. OK, all talk and sometimes partial action…a flake.
Everything just stays in your head and it fills up with so much junk that you can’t get rid of it. You want an outlet for all your thoughts but you don’t have the drive to act on anything.
It makes me feel trapped sometimes.
I know I should turn to God in times like this. I had thoughts of reading my Bible today and couldn’t even bring myself to do it. It’s not even a hard thing to do. It’s so easy. Just pick it up and start reading.
It’s times like this where I feel frustrated with our health care system. People are always saying how lucky Canadians are to have the kind of health care we do and on a global scale I suppose we are but the reality is, in my province we have a massive shortage of doctors, insane wait times and the mental health programs here are lacking.
Did I mention the obsurde amount of taxes we pay into this service?
It’s been almost two years since I have moved home and I still can’t find a family doctor. I had a psychiatrist at one point but because I forgot two consecutive appointments and forgot to call in, my file was closed and so now I have to start the process all over again.
I had to go to out patience and get the doctor on call to give me my prescriptions for a year so that I could buy time to figure this all out again. I’m surprised he actually did it because my psychiatrist wouldn’t prescribe me more than 3 months at a time.
I shouldn’t complain I guess. We have it better here than a lot of countries but right now in the moment, I am frustrated. I’m discouraged. I’m mentally ill and I’m tired right now. Tired of being good at hiding this most of the time.
When your illness falls into the invisible category it’s hard to let people know when you’re not well. You feel like you have to justify your illness because “you don’t look sick”.
There is stigma around that. People will judge or pass you off as being dramatic because most of the time it goes unnoticed and then suddenly when it is noticeable you must be faking it or something.
I feel a little jaded right now I guess. I was on quite the high in the last couple of days and now it’s crashing and honestly it’s no wonder people probably can’t take me seriously sometimes when I’m flip flopping brain chemicals and having unexplained moods and reactions to things I don’t normally have moods or reactions to.
One silver lining in all of this is I do have the drive to write about it. Writing is one of the best therapies I have for something like bipolar disorder and I have always expressed myself better through writing. As I type this all out, I’m starting to feel a bit better because it gets it out of my head and it helps me focus.
Medication has certainly helped and creating a safe environment for myself has helped. I am more self aware. Oddly enough, I can’t say I have had a ton of real progress with therapists. Not knocking what they do but again the health care system fails in this area.
Psychiatrists I have noticed, are easier to get in to see because of the medical nature of what they do but don’t get them confused with a psychologist because they are not there to hear about your deep rooted issues that play a role in your mental health. They are there to give you the pills and monitor that aspect of things.
The truth is, the cognitive therapy is just as important and in some cases, I would argue more important than the medical treatment. Proper counsel can be very beneficial. I can’t say I’ve manged to get a lot of that but one counselor I can truly rely on is God.
God is my counselor and my comforter and he certainly doesn’t charge as much.
In closing I would like to sign off with a prayer because I have been missing that lately. So today I am going to pray for comfort and peace of mind because that is what I need right now and I am sure there are others out there who could use that too. ❤
Thank you for allowing me to find the words I needed today.
You are the Great Comforter and you reach my heart, mind and soul even when I am lost.
You understand my heart Lord. You see my heart even when I can’t and I thank you so, so much for that.
You have saved me so many times Lord but the truth is, I have never officially asked to be saved by you but today in this moment, I want to be saved.
Please save me Lord because I don’t know what I would do without you. You love me even when I can’t love myself. You heal me in ways medicine can’t.
I don’t want to rely so much on earthly coping mechanisms Lord. I’m tired of temptation as a means to cope. I need your help. All the time. Never stop helping me.
I still have a lot of work to do Lord but you have brought me this far. You have helped me overcome the abuse I have self inflicted and I am still standing because you will not let me fall even when I want to so I’m doing this. I’m giving my heart over to you because I’m tired of tip toeing around this.
I need you and I give myself over to you 100%
I will fail at times Lord. You know this as much as I do but I feel I am finally ready to serve you the way you deserve and the way you want me to.
I am not even sure I am doing this right Lord. Asking for your salvation but it finally feels right if that makes sense and so I’m going with it. I have certainly thought about it enough times and I know you will guide me along the way because you know my heart.
Lord, there are so many more of your children who are where I am right now on their walk with you. So close to being ready to take that step. To actually say the words knowing it’s coming from the heart and I pray that you speak to them the way you have to me today.
May you comfort those in need Lord. This world is in pain. There are people who are suffering more than I or others will ever know but you know and I pray you deliver those people from harm and show them the light they need to see.
Know that as I write this prayer to you Lord, I feel peace inside. I thank you for giving me that peace. It’s so simple isn’t it. Ask and you shall receive. May I never be afraid to ask for your help Lord.
In closing, I thank you for the roof over my head, food on the table and for the clothes on my back. May you bless all of us with such comforts so that we may better focus our heart, mind and soul on you.
I pray for my family and friends Lord. I pray you watch over them and keep us together and strong.
I pray for the sick and the weak Lord. So many are hurting near and far. Please comfort them today and everyday the way you have comforted me.
Always in your name,
Take Care & God Bless ❤
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.